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Thursday, July 25, 2013

Weiner, his wife and Hillary, you just can't make this stuff up

Sorry to do this but I had to post some of the jokes connected to this ridiculous story.  Hillary says she new nothing about this as her close friend and confidant, Mrs. Huma  never said a word.  Kinda like Sgt. Shultz in Hogan's Heros.  I have a bridge in Arizona to sell.  Benghazi anyone?  I have to say to New York voters, please do not elect this perv. Well, here are a shitpile of jokes and these are the nice ones.

Carlos Danger — isn't that the guy from the Dos Equis commercials?" -David Letterman

"Anthony Weiner the peter tweeter is at is again. He admitted in a press conference to having more online sexting episode well after he resigned from Congress. This time Anthony Weiner used the name Carlos danger. He was sexting women under the name Carlos Danger. See, this is Weiner's way of getting more Latino support." -Jay Leno

"At the press conference today, Anthony Weiner’s wife said she will stand by her husband. Especially when he goes on the computer." –Conan O'Brien

"A new woman has come forward to say that during phone sex, Anthony Weiner would orgasm in 30 seconds. Man, no wonder this guy's so good at apologizing." –Conan O'Brien

"Anthony Weiner released a statement today saying this behavior is behind me. Then he added, if you want to see more of what's behind me, I'll text you a photograph." -Craig Fergsuon

"According to the polls, Anthony Weiner is the favorite to become the next mayor of New York City. How many of you have seen the Weiner poll? Anthony Weiner is out front. Isn't that what got him into trouble in the first place? It'll be a long campaign. All the guy has to do is stick it out. I hope the guy doesn't get cocky. Weiner has a firm lead and his popularity is swelling." –David Letterman

"Last night at midnight, former Congressman Anthony Weiner officially announced in an online video that he is running for mayor of New York. Nothing says 'I put my sleazy past behind me' like showing a video on the Internet at midnight." –Conan O'Brien

"Weiner said about New York, 'Nobody will work harder to make it better.' As opposed to his first campaign promise, which was 'Nobody will work better to make it harder.'" –Jay Leno

"A new poll found that former congressman Anthony Weiner only has a 15 percent chance of winning the race for New York City mayor. Although in his defense, he's a grower not a shower." –Jimmy Fallon

"Former Congressman Anthony Weiner is back on Twitter. It's like giving Lindsay Lohan the keys to the mini bar." –David Letterman

"Anthony Weiner is making a comeback. He is tan, flaccid and ready. He wants to come back and maybe be the mayor of New York. There are only two things standing in his way: an unforgiving public and Instagram." –Bill Maher

"After withdrawing from public life Anthony Weiner is ready to stick it back in. Folks, that takes balls. Sadly, we know he has them." –Stephen Colbert

"I believe the time is right. Anthony wiener is a changed man. His own brother gave The New York Times this moving testimonial: 'There was definitely a douchiness about him I don't see anymore.' I think his mayoral campaign just found his slogan: 'Anthony Weiner, now less douchey.'" –Stephen Colbert

"Former Rep. Anthony Weiner? Remember him? He famously tweeted lewd photos of himself. He says he wants people to give him a second chance. Not in politics, but on Instagram." –Conan O'Brien

"Former Congressman Anthony Weiner said that he's considering running for mayor of New York City. If nothing else I'm sure that he'll provide some stiff competition." –Jimmy Fallon

"Come on, he's the total package. I don't want to be too hard on him. I don't have a bone to pick with that guy." –Jimmy Fallon

"Anthony Weiner, remember him? The Peter Tweeter? He's now thinking of running for mayor of New York. And believe me, he has thought long and hard about this." –Jay Leno

"Congressman Anthony Weiner has announced that he will be stepping down. I guess he couldn't stick it out any longer." –Jay Leno

"Congressman Weiner has resigned from office. One minute he's in, one minute he's out ... typical Weiner." -Jimmy Fallon

"On 'Good Morning America' yesterday, President Obama said that he's confident that Anthony Weiner will bounce back. Great that's all we need, a bouncing Weiner." —Jimmy Fallon

"You know what's funny? President Clinton had sex and lied about it, and he kept his job. Anthony Weiner didn't have sex and lied about it, and lost his. I guess the lesson here is, if you're gonna lie, have sex." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Congressman Anthony Weiner has just checked himself into a treatment centre for people battling chronic sexual dysfunction. Checked in? He's already there, it's called Congress." –Jay Leno

"When asked about the Congressman Weiner scandal, President Obama said that if it were him, he'd resign. When Bill Clinton was asked about the same thing he said, 'If it was me, I wouldn't be surprised.'" –David Letterman

"Photos of Congressman Weiner have surfaced of him cross-dressing in college, in bra and pantyhose, proving that even back then he knew he wanted to be a Congressman." –Jay Leno

"Congressman Weiner has entered a treatment program. Amazingly, it's the only thing he's entered during the entire Weinergate scandal." –Conan O'Brien

"What is Weiner guilty of? He's guilty of being too photogenic. But is taking pictures of your junk and e-mailing them something you'd expect from a Congressman? No. This is something you'd expect from a priest." –David Letterman

"Congressman Anthony Weiner has announced that he's not resigning in the wake of the scandal. One thing we know about Weiner is that he knows how to stand firm." –Jay Leno

"Anthony Weiner asked Bill Clinton for advice, and actually followed it for awhile. Of course eventually he was forced to tell the truth." –Jay Leno

"I say don’t judge Anthony Weiner until you’ve walked a mile with his pants down around your ankles." –David Letterman

"Apparently, Anthony Weiner won't decide if he's resigning until his wife comes back from her trip to Africa with Hillary Clinton. I don't know what's more ridiculous — that he thinks he can stay in office, or that he thinks his wife is coming back." –Jimmy Fallon

"I think Congressman Weiner should resign. Not for any political reasons, but just because I would like to see him become the next 'Bachelor.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"51 percent of New York voters think Congressman Weiner should keep his seat in office. The other 49 percent think that he should disinfect it." –Conan O'Brien

"What?! The congressman had a sex scandal and had to apologize to Bill Clinton? For what?! Copyright infringement?" –Jon Stewart on Anthony Weiner calling Bill Clinton, who officiated at his wedding

"It turns out that one of the women Congressman Anthony Weiner was communicating with was a porn star. When asked how it was possible to get involved with someone in such a sleazy business, the porn star said, 'I don't know.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Congressman Weiner is in a lot of trouble since he tweeted those pictures. But good news for him, he just found out he'll be allowed to keep his porn name ... Anthony Weiner." –Conan O'Brien

"Thanks to you, Congressman Weiner, there is now a new low in what passes for a sex scandal. JFK got Marilyn Monroe. John Edwards got a love child. You got mail." –Bill Maher

"Sociologists have documented this. Here are the stages of a scandal: First you have the denial, then you have the tearful confession, then it's resignation, and then you appear on 'Dancing With the Stars.'" –David Letterman

"Anthony Weiner admitted to sending inappropriate messages to several women via Twitter, text, email, and Facebook. I think the lesson here is that if you're going to send explicit pictures of yourself, send them through MySpace, where no one will notice." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Congressman Wiener’s wiener leaked onto the Internet today. I had to look at the picture in the interest of research and I've learned one thing: I think his middle name might be 'Pencil.'" –Craig Ferguson

"This is true: Congressman Wiener phoned Bill Clinton to apologize. I'm like, 'What for?' Maybe he's apologizing for not telling him about all the sexy things you can do on the Internet." –Craig Ferguson

"Can you believe this?! Representative Ball is criticizing Congressman Weiner. Your move, Mayor Scrotum." –Craig Ferguson

"Weiner is now desperately trying to make things better with his wife. You can tell he's sorry. Like today he sent her a picture of his penis with a little sad face on it." –Jay Leno

"Congressman Weiner reportedly called Bill Clinton to apologize for his behavior. After Bill suggested that Weiner also call Hillary, Weiner said, 'Don't worry, I sent her a text.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Congressman Weiner has admitted that he did carry on explicit online relationships with six different women. Well, he thought they were women. Turns out three were woman, one was a guy pretending to be a woman, and the other two were congressmen." –Jay Leno

"The list of women who got sexy pics from Anthony Weiner keeps growing. As of now it's a porn star, a single mom from Texas, a blackjack dealer, and a student from Seattle. Is this a sex scandal of the next cast of Survivor? 'Survivor: Weiner Island.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Today the porn star in question – talking about Anthony Weiner – apparently he tried to get her to lie about the messages he sent. But she refused. Good! I'd hate to think a porn star would degrade herself by taking orders from a Congressman." –Craig Ferguson

"But I have to ask this: What kind of world are we living in when porn stars make Weiners go down?' It's reverse world!" –Craig Ferguson

"A second woman has come forward now. She says she has over 200 explicit sex messages from the married congressman. She says they're very short messages. Like cocktail wieners." –Jay Leno

"Weiner says no matter how many photos of him in his underpants surface, he is not stepping down. I said, wow, this looks like a job for Leno." –David Letterman

"At a press conference this afternoon, Congressman Anthony Weiner admitted that he tweeted out that photo of his crotch. During the press conference, Congressman Weiner was choked up and got a lump in this throat – not as big as the lump in his underwear, but still, very emotional!" -Jimmy Fallon

"Weiner admitted to sending underpants photos of himself. It's a huge political scandal. Arnold Schwarzenegger even called Weiner to say, 'Thank you.'" –Craig Ferguson

"With all this new media, is that considered junk e-mail? Or is it e-mail of your junk? There are so many terms!" –Jay Leno

"I don't know if laws were broken or not, but Weiner was sending around pictures of him in his underpants and I thought, Well, now, wait a minute, what is the big deal? Don't men and women in Congress get to mail their packages for free?!" –David Letterman

"This is why Twitter exists. Members of Congress can now send you pictures of their penises electronically. Remember the old days of Senator Larry Craig when you had to get in your car, drive to the airport, find the airport bathroom, try to figure out which stall he's in, knock on the door...Now they send it right to your house." -Jay Leno

"You know, when Clinton wanted to text someone a picture of his penis, he had to use an Etch-A-Sketch." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It shows you how the political race has changed. Remember it wasn't that long ago when candidates would ask 'Where's the beef?' You can't ask that now!" –Jay Leno

"Democrats don't share our values. An elected official is tweeting dirty photos of himself to strange women who he never meets for sex? Come on! At least Republican Chris Lee was trying to get some action! Republican politicians are man enough to hit that thing. Ensign, Vitter, even when it's a gay scandal! They're not tweeting love letters. They're tearing up an airport bathroom until somebody calls the cops on them!" -Stephen Colbert

"I think we'll all remember where we were when we found out, this is in fact Anthony Weiner's (penis). Naked, he must look like a windsock hanging off a parking meter." -Stephen Colbert

"Today Steve Jobs at Apple unveiled their new 'iCloud' technology. Pretty amazing. Experts say this could revolutionize the way Anthony Weiner sends pictures of his penis." -Jay Leno

"I'm not certain of a lot of things. But there are three things in this world that I know for certain: Empire Strikes Back is the best Star Wars movie. OJ killed those people. And what my erect penis looks like in my own underwear from a bird's-eye view." –Jon Stewart, on Rep. Anthony Weiner's claim that he could 'can't say with certitude' whether a photo posted on his Twitter account of a man wearing just boxer shorts was actually him

"I see only two options here: Either Anthony Weiner has too many photos of his junk to keep track of, or 'Certitiude' is his nickname for his penis." –Stephen Colbert

"Anthony Weiner pledges to get to the bottom of this. He's asked for an investigation, the police are involved, he's got a dick lawyer he's hired. They know it is a Democrat's penis because it won't stand up. And also because it was sent to a woman." –Bill Maher

"Congressman Weiner's Twitter account was hacked 'allegedly,' and someone texted a picture of his 'junior senator' to a college girl. Now this is good news for me because I can Google 'wiener photos' at work and not get fired." –Craig Ferguson

"In real life, in my memory, this guy had a lot more 'Anthony' and a lot less 'Weiner.' ... "The only thing they have in common is that they both lean to the extreme left!" –Jon Stewart, on allegations that Rep. Anthony Weiner, a former housemate of Stewart's, sent out a crotch photo from his Twitter account

"New York Congressman Anthony Weiner has found himself in an uncomfortable position after a photo of what could be him in his underpants was somehow posted for everyone to see via his Twitter account. We had to blur this, but you could definitely see his weiner, and a little bit of schnitzel too I think. It looks like he may have had a Boehner there too." –Jimmy Kimmel

"If I was Anthony Weiner, I'd blame this all on Brett Favre." –Jimmy Kimmel

"If this is a prank, I guess we're lucky they pulled it on Anthony Weiner, and not Colin Powell." –Jimmy Kimmel

"He isn't flat-out denying the picture isn't him. He told Wolf Blitzer it doesn't look familiar. That’s something you’re familiar with. I’m so familiar with mine that if I described it to a police sketch artist, it would be arrested within minutes." –Jimmy Kimmel

More Weinergate Jokes:

"The question is – why can’t Congressman Anthony Weiner say with certitude if the crotch in question is his or not? Because he’s got so many crotch shots lying around, maybe one got away? Maybe been taking a picture of his crotch every hour for a month, to create one of those cool YouTube time lapse videos?" —NPR's "Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!"

"Congressman Weiner said the photo leak was a prank, he's a victim, the picture could be taken out of context? In what possible context would you take this picture? Maybe he meant to send it to his Doctor, with the message, 'Okay, it's been four hours, time to get you involved.'" —NPR's "Wait Wait...Don't Tell
Me!"

4 comments:

  1. Leave it to Todd to make sure his longest post ever is about a mans penis.

    Frisch

    ReplyDelete
  2. Leave it to you to be the biggest Dick joke of all time!

    Frisch

    ReplyDelete

Real name thank you.